


next to normal

by Myrontheotter



Category: Next to Normal - Kitt/Yorkey, One Direction (Band)
Genre: (what would you expect from musical theater?), Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Cutting, Dark Humor, Depression, Electroconvulsive Therapy, Explicit Language, Hallucinations, Harry is Natalie, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Liam is Diana, Louis is Henry, M/M, Mental Illness, Next to Normal AU, Niall is Gabe, Other Fandoms Not Mentioned in Tags, Past Character Death, Peter is only there as the first doctor for like a chapter, Sad as hell tbh, Scott is there a good chunk of the time as the second doctor, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drug Use, Zayn is Dan, but bittersweet almost happy end, italics are lyrics from the show, pretty sure i'll revisit this after awhile and rewrite all the earlier chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-21
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-02-22 02:12:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 12,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2490671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myrontheotter/pseuds/Myrontheotter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A small family must pull together and face the difficulties when faced with the serious repercussions that accompany mental illness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. just another day

**Author's Note:**

> This story is basically a rehash of the next to normal script. I take absolutely no credit for the characters, the story, or the characters (1D) based off of the in-story characters. XD
> 
> I think this musical is a great introduction for many into the world of musical theater and also a way to help raise awareness of some issues sufferers of mental illness must face on a day to day basis.
> 
> I apologize in advance for any mistakes in spelling, grammar, ect., and also for any incorrect information about mental illness and anything else. Lyrics from the musical are in italics.
> 
> Also, this is my first story on AO3, and I would very much appreciate some feedback/criticism. Unbeta'd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam and his family get ready for the day.

The front door creaks open and shuts softly moments later. Liam sits quickly upright at the sound. The darkness of the living room is vast, broken only by the bit of moonlight shining through the closed blinds and the low LED lights on the nearby clock. He turns on the lamp beside his chair. The now dimly lit living room reveals Niall trying to quietly make his way to the stairs. The boy is wearing only a very light purple t-shirt and blue jeans with his backpack slung over one shoulder. Niall starts and gapes at Liam wide-eyed, before regaining his composure.

"Jesus, Pop, it's like 3 in the morning. What are you doing up?" Liam, looking as worried as ever, shakes his head in slight annoyance.

"I've been sitting up until morning everyday the past week waiting for you." Niall sighs. He walks over to Liam and sits on the armrest of the couch besides him. His lips turn to a small smirk, yet doesn't respond. "Every night, imaging the ways you could have died."

Niall laughs a bit and nudges Liam's shoulder with his elbow. "Great, here we go again. What's the winner tonight?"

"A freak September ice storm that's come out of no where..." Liam is serious.

Niall laughs incredulously. "Yeah, because that happens."

Liam continues. "There's police brutality, Ebola, and planes falling from the sky..."

Liam stares intently at Niall, who gets on his feet again. Niall is still smirking as he walks towards the living room stairs. "Pops... What'd we say about watching the news?"

"Don't..." Liam begins, "Don't pull that 'sweet and surly' act with me Niall. You said you'd be home early, but you lied. Again." Liam is shaking slightly, an edge of anxiety apparent through his voice. Niall is now at the bottom of the stairs, still facing Liam. Smirk ever-present.

"You gotta let go Pop. I'm almost eighteen." He turns to walk up the stairs and almost begins trotting up before Liam blurts out, desperate.

"Are you snorting coke!?"

Niall pauses and hangs his head in amused exasperation, but replies without a second glance, "No, not at the moment."

"Who's downstairs at this hour?" It's Zayn's voice. Niall slightly panics, and turns towards Liam once more. Without hesitation, Liam motions for Niall to go towards the kitchen.

"Your Father. Quick, go up the back stairs." Liam is smiling now, his earlier fears forgotten. He sits back down on the couch and stares at the blank television. Niall heads for the kitchen, but turns to his dad as he goes.

"Why does he hate me?"

Now Liam responds without a second glance: "Because you're a little twat."

Niall stops suddenly and looks faux-offended. "Hey! You can't call me a twat!" Liam motions for him to go, and he does. Just moments after, Zayn is walking down the stairs.

"Everything alright? I heard voices." Zayn looks disheveled, but has a determined alertness in his eyes. He looks around the living room for anyone.

Liam smiles and quickly responds, "Nope, its just me. Talking to... myself. You know."

"Okay..." Zayn says, "Are you sure you're okay Li?" He shifts on his feet a bit. Zayn studies Liam's face a moment before sighing.

Liam stands up. He saunters over to his husband, drapes his arms around Zayn's shoulders and pulls his face close. "I'm fine Z." Zayn is unconvinced. Liam pecks his lips with his own. "Now, you head on upstairs. I'll be up for sex in a minute."

Zayn looks at Liam oddly. "You'll be.... uh. Are... you sure you're okay?"

Liam smiles and nods. "Go."

Zayn walks back slowly and heads for the stairs, suspicious accusations on the tip of his tongue, but remains silent. Liam motions for him to go, and he does. Liam rolls his eyes and chuckles as Zayn fist pumps the air in celebration.

Liam silently ponders his family, and how much he cares for them.

 

_They're the perfect loving fam'ly, so adoring_  
 _And I love them every day of every week._  
 _So Niall's a little shit, and Zayn is boring,_  
 _And Hazza, though a genius, is a freak._

 

Just as Zayn's footsteps could be heard at the top of the staircase, Liam hears muttering from the kitchen. The kitchen is as dark as the living room, except for the bright lights of the fridge, which shuts closed as Harry backs out of the fridge with a Red Bull and several textbooks and notebooks in tow.

"Harry?" Liam takes some of the books from him and places them on the dining table. "It's four in the morning. Is everything okay?"

Harry nods quickly and begins to spout words. "Everything's great. Why wouldn't it be great? I've just got a few more chapters of calculus, an entire section of physics problems, a history quiz, and two pages on floral imagery in Flowers for Algernon, which is, you know, duh! Everything's so under control it's just... calm."

Harry doesn't even take breath before downing a big gulp of his energy drink.

Liam shakes his head, almost in pity, and crosses his arms, not touching Harry's shoulder to comfort him like he does for Zayn or Niall.

"Hazza, you need to slow down. Take some time for yourself," He pauses, then smiles warmly, "I'm going to have sex with your father." He then quickly turns away, and heads to the living room stairs.

Harry slams his books down on the table. "Great, thanks. I'm so fucking glad I know that."

 

_So it's times like this I wonder how I take it,_  
 _And if other fam'lies live the way we do--_  
 _If they love each other, or if they just fake it,_  
 _And if other children feel like I feel too._

 

Harry sits at the table to continue studying, disgust written across his face. As he angrily curses his family in his head, upstairs, a shower is turned off. Niall is in his bathroom, undressed save for a small pair of underwear and a towel slung around his neck and shoulders. He looks confidently into the mirror, making smoldering looks and pretending to blow quick but soft kisses. He then begins to throw quick fake punches at the mirror, all the while keenly observing himself. He finishes off with a few flexes of this body, ready to take on the world.

 

 _Just another day..._  
 _For another stolen hour_  
 _When the world will feel my power and obey_.

 

Both Harry and Niall spend their morning consumed in their own thoughts.

 

* * *

 

 

"That was great, wasn't it? It was great." Zayn walks towards the bathroom to fix his tie. Liam walks over to their balcony door, wearing only his robe. From the bathroom, he hears Zayn curse.

"Shit, I'm late."

Liam rolls his eyes and mutters, "That'll teach you to take a whole ten minutes."

Zayn sticks his head out from the bathroom door, "What was that?"

"I said, isn't it a beautiful day?" Liam is gazing wistfully through the balcony door. Zayn stands next to him to glance out the door as well.

"Okay. Sure. I mean, it's cloudy... and raining, and really cold for September. But beautiful..."

Liam nods, walking out of the bedroom door. He shouts from the hallway, "Makes you wanna dive in with both feet, doesn't it?"

"Absolutely."

Zayn nods for a second, smiling before Liam is out of the room. He then shakes his head and mutters to himself, "I never know what he's talking about."

 

_When it's up to you to hold your house together..._  
 _A house you built with patience and with care..._  
 _But you're grappling with that gray and rainy weather,_  
 _And you're living on a latte and a prayer--_

 

Downstairs, Liam begins to put together breakfast for everyone. He sets down four bowls and begins to messily pour cereal into them.

 

_Can you keep the cup from tipping?_  
 _Can you keep your grip from slipping in dispair?_  
 _For just another day._

 

Niall is dressed and ready to go. He's the first to accompany Liam in the kitchen. He hugs his dad from behind and grabs a bowl.

 

_It only hurts when I'm here._

 

Liam chuckles and tells him to hurry. "You're gonna be late, and you've got a huge day."

"You have no idea what I do all day." Niall replies with a smirk. He pops some more cereal into his mouth.

"Jazz band before school, class, key club, then football." Liam says without hesitation.

"Not bad."

"Now out of here," Liam smacks the side of Niall's head playfully and takes the bowl from him.

 

_It only hurts when he goes..._

 

As Niall walks towards the kitchen exit, Harry strides in briskly, not acknowleging him in the slightest. "Morning sunshine."

Harry still ignores him. "So i got the date for my winter recital -- do you think you guys can come?"

Liam turns to Harry, still busy preparing food, "We'll put it on the calendar."

Harry sighs and points to the calendar on the wall. "Dad, the calendar is still on April of last year..."

Liam glances at it for a moments and chuckles. "Oh. Well, happy Easter!

Harry scoffs and walks to the table to grab a sandwhich Liam had just prepared. "Happy Easter, Dad." He goes to leave, just as Zayn walks into the kitchen. "He's on fire this morning," Harry says sarcastically.

Zayn chuckles and heads to kiss Liam on the cheek. "Oh, I know."

Harry pauses mid stride and shudders. "Gross..." He exits.

"Li babe, could you do the shopping today? I'm slammed at work, and we're out of everything." Zayn kisses Liam on the mouth this time and Liam nods, but softly pushes him away with a brown paper bag of food.

"I keep cave clean. You go out, get fire."

Zayn stares a second. "Uhh... Absolutely," he then replies with a smile. They kiss and he makes for the front door. He mutters to himself, "Again, no clue."

 

_It only hurts when I try._  
 _It only hurts when I work._  
 _It only hurts when I say..._

 

Niall is tying his shoes on the floor and starts to head back into the kitchen to grab his forgotten lunch bag.

 

_It only hurts when I think,_  
 _It only hurts when I play._  
 _It only hurts when I say..._

 

Harry heads back down stairs after having gone to his room to get his backpack and then goes to the kitchen for the Red Bull in the fridge with his name on it.

 

_It only hurts when I cry._  
 _It only hurts when I move._  
 _It only hurts when I say..._

 

Zayn returns to the kitchen and notices his husband frantically laying bread down on the table, muttering to himself. He grabs cheese and tomato slices.

 

_It only hurts when I breathe._  
 _It only hurts when I say..._

**_It's just another day._ **

 

Liam begins to neatly line the bread up on the floor, tossing cheese and tomato slices on them. He feels like he has to work faster, trying to get lunch started. He doesn't hear Zayn say his name.

"Liam."

He doesn't notice his children watching him frantically moving about the floor-

"Liam."

-still stacking cheese and tomato on the dirty bread slices.

"Liam!"

 

_I will hold it all together_  
 _We're the perfect loving fam'ly_  
 _If they say we're not then fuck 'em_

_The perfect loving fam'ly_  
 _I will keep the plates all spinning_  
 _And the world just keeps on spinning..._

 

Liam collapses on the floor, breathing hard. He realizes that he has made a huge mess.

"The house is spinning..."

Zayn runs to his side and helps him up. "Liam, babe?

Harry and Niall are standing just behind Zayn. "Dad?" Harry says, looking at Zayn intent and worried.

Zayn waves him away. "Don't worry about it. Go on ahead. You'll miss the bus."

Niall takes a few steps forward. "Pop?"

Liam waves them away. "Everything's fine! I'm just making sandwiches. On the floor... You go on ahead. You'll miss your bus."

Harry goes, slamming the kitchen door on his way out. After a hesitant moment, Niall follows.

Zayn kneels down beside Liam. "Li? You okay?"

Liam nods vigorously. "I... just wanted to get ahead on lunches."

Zayn nods as well and helps Liam up. "Sure," he says, "Let me help you up."

Liam stands slowly and they make their way upstairs to get ready to leave the house. "Heh, I guess i just got a little carried away."

"Maybe a little. Let's go see Doctor Parker. This is just a blip. Okay? Nothing to worry about. I'll wrap up the, uhh..." He glances at the messy floor before they exit the kitchen, "I'll wrap up the sandwiches, and then we'll go."


	2. everything else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry practices piano at school, and makes a new "friend".

 

 

 

The school bell finally rings. Harry leaves his class quickly to get to the practice rooms before someone else does. Walking briskly down the hall, he thinks about this morning and his dads. This morning was just a fucked up way to start the day.

It's been awhile since Liam last had an episode like this. Harry hoped to hell that all of this would blow over in a few days. He remembers that past episodes at this scale always lasted a week or two, with the help of some drugs, of course.

He reaches the piano rooms and plops down on the piano bench. He adjusts his body towards middle C and checks his posture. He sets his hands on the keys and plays a few quick scales. An exercise or two later, Harry's warmed up and ready to practice his recital piece by Mozart.

 

  
 _Mozart was crazy._  
 _Flat fucking crazy._  
 _Batshit, I hear._

 

'Crazy,' Harry thought, 'just like his dad. Just like I will probably be one day.'

His fingers swiftly and deftly hit the keys in the correct sequence.

 _But his music's not crazy_  
 _It's balanced,  it's nimble,_  
 _It's crystalline clear._  


  
'Clear, like I wish Dad's mind was. Like mine won't be any longer.'

He continues the song through, the motions coming to him like second nature.

 

 

  
 _There's harmony, logic -- you listen to these,_  
 _You don't hear his doubts or his debts or disease._  
 _You scan through the score and put fingers on keys_  
 _And you play... And everything else goes away..._

 

'Play... Just play...'

Not a single note out of line.

 

  
 _And you play till it's perfect, you play till you ache,_  
 _You play till the strings or your fingernails break._  
 _So you'll rock that recital and get into Yale,_  
 _So you won't feel so sick, and you won;t look so pale,_

 _'Cause you've got your full ride, and your early admit--_  
 _So you're done with this school and with all of this shit._

 _And you graduate early, you're gone as of May_  
 _And there's nothing your paranoid parents can say._

Harry stops playing as the piece crescendos. He's breathing a bit harder. He coaches himself back into the correct mindset and continues to play.

 

  
 _And you know that its just a sonata away_  
 _And you play..._  
 _And you play..._

 

He takes a deep breath as he finishes off the last few bars of the piece.

 

  
 _And everything else goes away._  
 _Everything else goes away._  
 _Everything else--_

 

Harry stops playing, and looks behind him. He jumps a little as he notices someone had slipped into the room with him. The guy there is staring at him.

"Sounds good," the guy says. He sounds high.

Harry uncomfortably stares back. "Umm, I still have this practice room for..." He glances at the wall clock, "Seven and a half minutes."

The guy doesn't respond right away. "Uhh, yeah. I mean, I know. I just like to listen." He then sticks his hand out in offering. "I'm Louis."

Harry doesn't return the handshake. "Harry..."

Louis chuckles nervously and awkwardly retracts the hand."Yeah. I mean, I know."

Harry's eyes narrow a bit. "It's a bit creepy that you know."

"We've been going to school together for, like, six years."

"Really?"

"I sit behind you in like four classes."

  
"Uh-huh..." Harry scoots further from Louis. "Also creepy."

Louis continues talking as though he didn't hear Harry. "You're in here a lot." He's got a stpid grin on his face. "Before school, after-"

Harry clears his throat and glances at the clock. "Right. Seven minutes."

Louis doesn't process the hinted request and nods a bit dumbly before realizing. His eyes widen and he turns around quickly to leave. As the door opens and he is out, Harry turns around and shouts at Louis, "You give up way too easily!"

Louis is back in the room again, looking slightly exasperated. "Uh. You're kind of a confusing person." Harry shakes his head, and turns back to the piano with a rueful smile.

"You should meet my father."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is definitely a lot shorter, and I cheated by using song lyrics. XD
> 
> Also, I don't have any idea how often I will update, but I know feedback would def help me want to write faster.


	3. my psychopharmacologist and i

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam pays a visit to doctor Parker, while Zayn waits in the car.

 

Zayn is waiting patiently in the car after walking Liam to the waiting room of the clinic. The car ride to the doctor's office was uneventful and quiet. Zayn looked straight ahead as Liam quietly sat, huddled in his seat. The two made no effort to talk, save for Zayn asking if he was okay, and Liam merely nodding in response. Once they arrived at the office, Liam got out without saying anything, Zayn soon trailing after.

 

As Zayn sits, he can't tell who's crazy, Liam or himself? Why is he sane if he waits his whole life, thinking that something like Liam's illness isn't as bizarre as it really is? Liam can barely cope, and yet Zayn still feels there's some kind of hope left. Regardless, he can't help but to wonder who's crazy, the one who sees doctors, or the one who just waits in the car.

 

He was twenty-five when the two met, and they were so in love. Liam used to be so full of energy and fun. He was so alive. It was an adventure every day with him. Now, however, Zayn felt he'd settle for a Liam who could drive.

 

Still, Zayn couldn't help but wonder who's crazy. The one who's half-gone, or maybe the one who holds on, remembering the guy he fell in love with when they were both twenty. When they were young and dumb. Because now, he just felt old.

 

They say love is blind, but to Zayn, love is insane.

  

* * *

 

 

"The pink ones are to be taken with food, but not with the white ones. The white ones are taken with the round yellow ones but not with the triangle yellow ones. The triangle yellow ones are taken with the oblong green ones with food but not with the pink ones..."

 

Liam is nodding off at this point in Doctor Parker's spiel. The doctor continues to drone on. He could be spewing word problems for all Liam cares.

 

"If a train is leaving New York at a hundred and twenty miles per hour and another train is leaving St. Petersburg at the same time but going backwards, which train..."

 

Liam's mind isn't concentrating on Doctor Parker, but rather, his relationship with the doctor, and how it mirrors the relationship he shares with Zayn.

 

"The round blue ones with food but not with the oblong white ones. The white ones with the round yellow ones but not with the trapezoidal green ones. Split the green ones into thirds with a tiny chisel. Use a mortar and pestle to grind into a fine powder and sprinkle the powder over a bowl of ice cream..."

 

Liam has an interesting relationship with his doctors, specifically Doctor Parker. It's seemingly romantic. Intimate and intense, like a dance. It's just that, Doctor Parker knows all of Liam's secrets, but Liam only knows Doctor Parker's name. They'll never have an intimate relationship. Doctor Parker will never hold him like Zayn would, but he'll always take Liam's calls, always providing the drugs when Liam slips. It reminds him of something Doctor Parker once said: "Without a little lift, the ballerina falls."

 

It's funny, because although Liam lives for his family, for Zayn, without his pharmacologist, he'd probably die.

 

* * *

 

 

"Payne-Malik, Liam. Diagnosed Bipolar II. Sixteen year history of medication. Adjustment after one week." Doctor Parker points the recording device in Liam's direction.

 

"I've got less anxiety, but I have headaches, blurry vision, and I can't feel my toes."

 

The doctor smiles encouragingly and replies, "So we'll try again, and eventually we'll get it right.

 

"Not a very exact science, is it?" Liam asks, an eyebrow raised, bordering on sarcastic.

 

Doctor Parker goes through several lists of drugs he could try to put Liam on. An endless list of drugs, really.

 

Liam stops Doctor Parker, "Oh, Thank you, doctor. Valium is my favorite color. How'd you know?"

 

* * *

 

 

"Payne Malik, Liam. Week three. Adjustment after three weeks. Less hypomanic moods, but depressive state worse." He once again points the device in Liam's face.

 

"I'm nauseous and I'm constipated. Completely lost my appetite and gained six pounds, which you know, is just not fair."

 

* * *

 

 

Liam falls asleep one night listening to the radio play as he was reading a book. Half awake, and half asleep, he dreams that the radio plays an advertisement aimed at him.

 

 

 

_Zoloft and Paxil and Buspar and Xanax..._

_Depakote, Klonopin, Ambien, Prozac..._

_Ativan calms me when I see the bills-_

_These are a few of my favorite pills._

_May cause the following side effects_

_one or more:_

_Dizziness, drowsiness,_

_Sexual dysfunction,  
_

_Headaches and tremors,_

_And nightmares and seizures,_

_Anxiousness, anger,_

_Exhaustion, insomnia,_

_Irritability,_

_Nausea, vomiting,_

_Odd and alarming sexual feelings._

_Oh and one last thing-_

  
_Use may be f_ _atal..._

_Use may be fatal...  
_

_Use may be fatal..._

* * *

 

 

"Payne-Malik, Liam. Third adjustment after five weeks. Reports continued mild anxiety and some lingering depression."

 

Liam sighs in exasperation. "I now can't feel my fingers or my toes. I sweat profusely for no reason. Fortunately, I have absolutely no desire for sex. Although, whether that's the medicine or the marriage is anybody's guess."

 

Doctor Parker smiles and pats Liam's leg. "Oh, I'm sure it's the medicine."

 

"Oh," Liam smiles, "Thank you, that's very sweet." He leans forward in his chair and mock whispers, "But my husband's waiting in the car."

 

* * *

 

 

"Payne-Malik, Liam. Seven weeks." Doctor Parker looks at Liam inqusitively.

 

Liam stares blankly at him. "I don't feel like myself. I mean... I don't feel anything."

 

Doctor parker nods and grunts in satisfaction. "Patient stable."


	4. perfect for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Louis get to know each other better, and Louis smokes a bowl.

In one of the school practice rooms, Louis is playing the piano, while Harry sits aside and scrutinizes.

"It's just, the thing with jazz is, how do you ever know if you got it right? It's just making shit up."

Louis giggles and continues playing, but turns to face Harry, "Which is also known as the act of creation."

Harry rolls his eyes, but chuckles, "Oh. You're one of those pretentious stoner types."

Louis gasps in mock offense, "That's totally unfair. I'm not pretentious. And I'm definitely not classical. It's just so... Rigid and structured. There's no room for improvisation. You have to play the notes on the page."

Harry shakes his head in annoyance. "Yes, what did Mozart know anyways? He should have just smoked a bowl and jammed on 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'.

Louis looks abruptly back at Harry in amazement, "Yeah, let's do that!"

 

* * *

 

"I've wasted, like, weeks of practice with you in here. Improvising." Harry shudders at the word.

"You know," Louis says, "Oscar Peterson was classically trained." He sits a bit closer to Harry.

"Beethoven did cocaine." Harry counters, while also scooting a tad closer.

"Miles Davis went to Julliard." Louis closes the gap between their bodies.

"Mozart wrote poems about farts." Harry looks at Louis, and they look into each other's eyes. Then they both begin to furiously play the piano together, a four hand duet.

 

* * *

 

A few weeks later, in Louis' bedroom, he's packing the bowl of a big-ass bong, with Harry worriedly fidgeting beside him.

"You know, your mom is, like, in the next room." Harry glances to the door.

Louis waves him away and lights it. "She's in denial. It's totally convenient." He takes a hit from the bong and offers it to Harry. He only looks at it, then at Louis. "Dude, it's therapeutic."

Harry scoffs, "Right, it's medical marijuana to treat your ADD."

Louis takes another hit and coughs in Harry's face.

"Totally, huh?"

Harry stands and crosses his arms stubbornly. "I don't put anything into my mouth that's on fire."

Louis pauses in contemplation. "I guess that's a good rule..." He looks at Harry who is sat back down next to him. He leans forward to kiss him. Harry leans forward as well. But just before their lips could meet, Harry pulls away.

"Look, I can't do this. Not with my life." He gets up quickly and makes towards the door. "I'm like one fuck up away from disaster."

Louis laughs and puts the bong down to follow him. They both walk out of his house and walk along the sidewalk.

"Your life is not a disaster. The environment is a disaster. Sprint is a disaster."

Harry scoffs and walks faster, "Go home Louis, you're stoned."

Louis continues following Harry and continues to rant. "The planet is dying. Our oceans and air are poisoned."

"Um, Louis, that's true, and I totally care..."

"I'm trying to tell you I love you."

Harry freezes mid-stride and whips around to face the other boy. "What?!"

"The world, it's filled with war and disease. People are dying. The earth gets warmer, each degree, a degree closer to death. We dance on the edge of destruction."

Harry turns away, hands on his head in disbelief and frustration. "This is one totally fucked up seduction."

Louis faces Harry, a pleading look on his face, "This planet is pretty much broken beyond all repair. But, one thing's working if you're standing there."

Harry stares in shock and remains silent. Louis continues, "I could be perfect for you. I know I'm lazy and a loner. And obviously a bit of a stoner." He says with a shuddered laugh. "But I might be perfect... No, I'll make myself perfect for you."

After regaining his composure, Harry continues to walk briskly down the street towards his house, Louis still tailing. He shouts back at the stoner, "You've got some nerve, Louis, when I'm all fucking nerves."

"Hey!" Louis shouts. They both stop and look at one another. "Even if everything else in the world turns to dirt, we can be the one thing in this world that won't hurt." Louis is somewhat desperate to make Harry see his point, and gets close to the other boy. "I know I'm not everything you'd wished for and I can't fix what's fucked up in the world. But the one thing... The one thing I know I can do..." He stops to catch his breath, and looks into Harry's eyes. "I can be perfect for you."

Harry reluctantly looks into Louis' eyes and they have a sort of mutual understanding and connection. Harry makes a decision, and they kiss.


	5. i miss the mountains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam has a sort of epiphany after seeing Harry kiss Louis.

"Nice house. Can I come in?" Louis asks Harry as they walk up the walkway to the Payne-Malik household.

  


Harry quickly stops him halfway to the door. "Oh my, no."

  


Louis looks at him funny, but doesn't question it. He just shrugs. "Okay."

  


Before turning to leave, both Louis and Harry lean in for a kiss.

  


Harry pulls away, breathless. "This is crazy."

  


Louis laughs and starts to walk back home, "Maybe it is."

  


  


* * *

  


  


In the house, Liam is sitting on the floor, looking out of his large bedroom window into the front yard. He watches as Harry kisses a boy. Niall comes up behind him with a smug grin on his face.

  


"Are you spying on your own child kissing someone?"

  


Liam shakes his head in disbelief. "When did he get a boyfriend? How... How did I miss this?"

  


Niall shrugs and pats his father's shoulder. "Well... You kinda miss a lot."

  


Liam looks up to Niall, "Do you think they're in love?"

  


He shrugs again and starts to walk away. "Who knows? They're young, they're horny... It happens."

  


Niall leaves Liam alone. Liam sits in silence, remembering when he and Zayn were close to that age.

  


  


\----------------------------------------------------

  


  


"Marry me!" Zayn blurts out excitedly. He and Liam were both sitting in his car, after having left yet another doctor's appointment for Niall, who was silent for once. The infant almost never seemed to stop crying, constantly causing quite a ruckus. Niall was born through a one time fling with one of Liam's classmates. Liam doesn't like to talk about her.

  


Liam stares at the other man a few moments before answering, "What?"

  


"Marry me," Zayn repeats, "Let's have a family together. I know, we're too young, but we're not. I'm almost twenty-two." Liam just looks between his son and his boyfriend. Zayn sighs, but smiles at Liam and puts a hand on his lap. "I love you, and Niall."

  


Liam smiles in return, still hesitant, "Zayn... This is crazy."

  


Zayn laughs and replies, "Maybe it is."

  


  


* * *

  


  


Liam is still sitting on the floor when he hears Harry walking up the stairs. He walks by Liam's open bedroom door and spots Liam sitting by the window. Liam smiles big and points in the direction Henry left and gives him a thumbs up. Harry looks slightly weirded out and continues to walk to his bedroom.

  


_I miss the  mountains,_

_I miss the highs and lows,_

_All the climbing, all the falling,_

_All the while the wild wind blows._

_  
_

Liam got up from the floor and made his way into the bathroom.

  


_Stinging you with snow_

_And soaking you with rain--_

_I miss the mountains,_

_I miss the pain._

_  
_

He walk up to the medicine cabinet and stares into his mirror. He sees a lifeless body staring back at him.

  


_Mountains make you crazy--_

_Here it's safe and sound._

_My mind is somewhere hazy--_

_My feet are on the ground._

_  
_

He opens the cabinet and starts piling all of his meds into his arms.

  


_Everything is balanced here_

_And on an even keel._

_Everything is perfect--_

_  
_

_Nothing's real..._

_Nothings real._

_  
_

He begins to pop the tops off of the bottles and pours the contents into the nearby waste bin.

  


_And I miss the mountains._

_I miss the lonely climb._

_Wand'ring through the wilderness_

_And spending all my time_

_Where the air is clear_

_and cuts you like a knife--_

_  
_

_I miss the mountains..._

_I miss the mountains..._

_I miss my life._

_I miss my life._

_  
_

With a final bang, Liam throws the remaining bottles into the trash. Niall walks into the bathroom curiously and finds his dad on the bathroom floor besides the waste bin. "You sure about this Pop?"

  


"You think it's a bad idea?" Liam asks looking up to Niall once more.

  


"I think it's a great idea. I think you're brave." Niall says as he takes the bin from Liam.

  


"What will your father think?" Liam asks.

  


"Nothing," Niall walks to the toilet and dumps the contents into the water, "If he doesn't know."

  


Niall flushes the toilet and watches the pills swirl around the bowl. Liam watches Niall, smiles, and sighs a breath of relief.


	6. it's gonna be good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn feels great and Louis meets the family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short chapter again. =P

 

Zayn is feeling great! Two weeks of great productivity at work. Two weeks of great sex at home. Two weeks and even Harry seems happier than normal. Two weeks with his family, uninterrupted by any sort of break in Liam's positive streak. He hasn't been feeling anxious, waiting for a call from or about Liam. Everything has just been great!

He calls home to check up on his husband, a break from the constant work he's been pumping out.

At home Liam answers the phone. "Hello? Oh, hi!" He 's cleaning, scrubbing the floor as he talks to Zayn. "Everything's great here, sweetie! Fantastic! I disinfected the entire house, rewired the computer, and did some decoupage."

Zayn kinda just stares at the phone a bit.

"Okay," Liam says finally, "Buh-bye!" and hangs up the phone. He thinks about what he's gonna do next. "Hmm... Next. I think I'll re-tile the roof!"

* * *

A few days later, Zayn's on his way home from work, still on the high of having a great month of no problems at home. As he pulls into the driveway, Harry and Louis are walking up the walkway to the front door.

"I'd ask you in, but it's too soon." Harry says reluctantly.

Louis looks kind of disappointed, "We've been going out for nine weeks and three days. Don't I get to meet your family?"

Harry chuckles and playfully shoves Louis. "You keep count? You're such a loser. And no."

Just as Louis and Harry are about to kiss so Louis can leave, Zayn walks up to them and greets them both. "Harry!" He says with almost too much warmth, "And this must be Lewis!

Niall and Liam are standing at the front door and Niall is smirking at his family, "It's Louis," he says as he motions for everyone to come in.

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you. Come in! Why don't you join us for dinner?"

Harry panics, and hold Louis back. "Um, Dad, Louis can't really stay. He's got..."

Zayn tugs Louis' arm towards the door.

"Homework!"

Zayn tugs again, Louis is looking between Harry and his father, an apologetic look on his face as he pull Harry to the door as well.

"Surgery!" Harry shouts as he continues pulling against his dad. Louis amiles and lets Harry's hand go as Zayn gives another tug.

"Rabies!" Harry says in a last ditch effort to keep Louis from meeting his parents. He reluctantly follows his family inside the house and shuts the front door behind him.

* * *

An hour or two later, Liam leaves the dining room just as Louis, Harry and Zayn finish setting up the  table for dinner. As everyone sits down, Liam returns, cake in hand. He shuts off the lights.

"Okay, it's someone's birthday!" Liam walks up to the end of the table, a huge smile on his face. The cake has a ton of candles on it, and is blazing in the low light, casting shadows across his face. He smiles at everyone sitting at the table, but notices Niall isn't there anymore.

"Oh, cool!" Louis says smiling as well. "Whose birthday is it?"

Harry looks upset, his arms crossed in obvious anger. He answers hesitantly. "My brother's"

"Oh..." Louis replies, "I didn't know you had a brother."

Harry shakes his head, pissed now. "I don't."

is feeling great! Two weeks of great productivity at work. Two weeks of great sex at home. Two weeks and even Harry seems happier than normal. Two weeks with his family, uninterrupted by any sort of break in Liam's positive streak. He hasn't been feeling anxious, waiting for a call from or about Liam. Everything has just been great!

 

He calls home to check up on his husband, a break from the constant work he's been pumping out.

 

At home Liam answers the phone. "Hello? Oh, hi!" He 's cleaning, scrubbing the floor as he talks to Zayn. "Everything's great here, sweetie! Fantastic! I disinfected the entire house, rewired the computer, and did some decoupage."

 

Zayn kinda just stares at the phone a bit.

 

"Okay," Liam says finally, "Buh-bye!" and hangs up the phone. He thinks about what he's gonna do next. "Hmm... Next. I think I'll re-tile the roof!"

 

 

* * *

 

 

A few days later, Zayn's on his way home from work, still on the high of having a great month of no problems at home. As he pulls into the driveway, Harry and Louis are walking up the walkway to the front door.

 

"I'd ask you in, but it's too soon." Harry says reluctantly.

 

Louis looks kind of disappointed, "We've been going out for nine weeks and three days. Don't I get to meet your family?"

 

Harry chuckles and playfully shoves Louis. "You keep count? You're such a loser. And no."

 

Just as Louis and Harry are about to kiss so Louis can leave, Zayn walks up to them and greets them both. "Harry!" He says with almost too much warmth, "And this must be Lewis!

 

Niall and Liam are standing at the front door and Niall is smirking at his family, "It's Louis," he says as he motions for everyone to come in.

 

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you. Come in! Why don't you join us for dinner?"

 

Harry panics, and hold Louis back. "Um, Dad, Louis can't really stay. He's got..."

 

Zayn tugs Louis' arm towards the door.

 

"Homework!"

 

Zayn tugs again, Louis is looking between Harry and his father, an apologetic look on his face as he pull Harry to the door as well.

 

"Surgery!" Harry shouts as he continues pulling against his dad. Louis amiles and lets Harry's hand go as Zayn gives another tug.

 

"Rabies!" Harry says in a last ditch effort to keep Louis from meeting his parents. He reluctantly follows his family inside the house and shuts the front door behind him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

An hour or two later, Liam leaves the dining room just as Louis, Harry and Zayn finish setting up the  table for dinner. As everyone sits down, Liam returns, cake in hand. He shuts off the lights.

 

"Okay, it's someone's birthday!" Liam walks up to the end of the table, a huge smile on his face. The cake has a ton of candles on it, and is blazing in the low light, casting shadows across his face. He smiles at everyone sitting at the table, but notices Niall isn't there anymore.

 

"Oh, cool!" Louis says smiling as well. "Whose birthday is it?"

 

Harry looks upset, his arms crossed in obvious anger. He answers hesitantly. "My brother's"

 

"Oh..." Louis replies, "I didn't know you had a brother."

 

Harry shakes his head, pissed now. "I don't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! (not really) XD


	7. he's not here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam and Louis just don't understand.

 

Louis looks around the room confused. Harry's dad, Liam, looked completely off put. Louis couldn't understand what was happening.

 

"He died before I was born." Harry explains quietly to Louis.

 

Louis remains quiet while Liam looks confused still. "What? What is it?" He's looking to Zayn for an explanation.

 

Zayn walks up to him slowly, "Li... Liam. He's not here. Love, I know you know." Liam shakes his head in disbelief. He stumbles back a little as Zayn approaches him. He moves to have Liam let go of the cake, but Liam jerks the still burning cake out of his reach. Zayn sighs.

 

_Do you feel_

_He's still real?_

_Love, it's just not so._

_Why is it you still believe?_

_Do you dream or do you grieve?_

_You've got to let him go._

"Liam... He's been dead... For years." Liam shakes his head again, not moving otherwise.

 

Harry slams his hands on the dinner table and shouts, "This is fucked!" He stands up abruptly, the chair screeching back a few feet. Zayn looks at him quickly, clearly not in the mood.

 

"Language." Zayn says sternly.

 

"Fuck this!" Harry shouts and storms out of the kitchen to go to his room. 

 

Louis gets up quickly, but quietly. He grabs both their bags and turns to Zayn. "It was wonderful to meet you both." He says quickly and scurries out, following in Harry's direction.

 

After both teenagers leave, Zayn scrubs his hands down his face and sighs heavily. "What about the new meds?" He asks quietly.

 

Liam scoffs humorlessly and puts the cake down. Zayn walks over to take it and blow the candles out. As he walks over to the kitchen with the now unlit cake, Liam follows and answers, "We have the happiest septic tank on the block."

 

Zayn sets the plate down heavily and turns around to face his husband. "You--Jesus Li! They were working."

 

Liam shrugs, "They weren't, really." He heads back to the dining room to clean the table up. Zayn follows quickly.

 

"We'll get a new round." Zayn tries to bargain with Liam, who merely holds himself up by a dining chair. "We'll call Doctor Fine."

 

"NO!" Liam screams at the top of his lungs, picking the chair up slightly and slams it back down.

 

Zayn jumps and closes his eyes, readying himself for another fight. "Liam, look, I know this is hard." He says, attempting to placate his now heavily breathing spouse.

 

Liam stops suddenly and looks up at Zayn. His face was almost unreadable. "You know? What exactly do you know?"

 

"I know you're hurting, I am too." Zayn is standing by the table, Liam on the opposite end, both feeling tense and can feel it rising.


	8. you don't know / i am the one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam and Zayn gets upset. Niall spurrs them on.

Liam laughs out loud. "You know?" Zayn looks at him, silent and shocked by the laughter. Liam shakes his head and begins to pick the cutlery off the table. "Do you wake up in the morning, barely able to lift your head? Seeing all the dead people's names in the obituaries, and feeling jealousy? Jealousy  for fuck's sake!"

 

Zayn only remains silent, allowing Liam to angrily rant. "It's... It's like being on a cliff-side not knowing when or if I'll dive. It's like dying alive!"

 

Liam is making quick and aggravated movements as he circles the table, removing all the eating-ware. His hands are full of the metal spoons, forks, and knives. He points them angrily at Zayn. "You don't know! I know you don't know. You say you're hurting, but I know you aren't. Not like me! You say that you know, and it hurts when you say that, because you don't show that you're hurting." Liam isn't looking at him, but is still yelling. Zayn has yet to move or speak. "You say to let go, but all I know is that you don't have a fucking clue!" Zayn goes to hug Liam, but he only pulls away in anger.

 

"It's like I'm running from something. Like I'm a refugee, forever on the run. And if I let it get me, it'll kill me. But the messed up part is... I don't know what I've fucking done!" Liam shouts and throws all of the cutlery at the floor, a loud metallic clang issues through the kitchen and to the rest of the house.

 

  
Zayn is upset now, but is retraining his temper. What are you afraid of? I feel like it's me, and that we're only going to go downhill from here."

 

Liam is silent now. Zayn continues. "Can you tell me why I'm afraid it's me?" He moves to touch Liam's shoulder, who retracts quickly, looking away. Zayn's face is hurt and doesn't know how to react at first. "Can I touch you? We've been fine for such a long time now. How the hell did something I couldn't see go wrong?"

 

He tries to look into Liam's eyes, but Liam won't make eye contact. Zayn shakes his head. "I'm holding on Liam. I won't let go of you, but I want you to know that I am the one who knows you. I'm the one who cares and who's helped you. I've always been here for you! And if you think that I don't give a damn about you, then you just don't know who I am."

 

Zayn stops talking for a moment to regain his composure. As Zayn remains silent, Liam looks past Zayn to see Niall hiding in the shadows. Liam's eyes go wide. Zayn doesn't notice. He continues to talk as Niall approaches his parents.

 

"Would you leave me and let me go under? Watch me drown and wonder why I'm drowning in the first place?" Liam watches as Niall walks up to Zayn and starts talking to his face.

 

Niall is smirking like always, "Hey Dad, it's me."

 

Liam watches as Niall talks right to Zayn, who doesn't see him, and continues to talk to Liam.

 

"Are you broken, bleeding, or bruised? Would it help you to know that I am too?" Liam can't really piece together what Zayn is saying or trying to say. He only sees Niall, who's also talking, but to Zayn.

 

"Are you waiting, wishing, wanting what Pops can't give to you? Are you hurting, are you healing? Hoping for a life to live? Well so am I."

 

Liam shakes his head, trying to make Niall disappear. Liam feels faint, so he sits down at the table. He sees Niall still, even as Zayn continues to talk to him. "Tell me what to do. Tell me who you want-- Who you need me to be! Just so that I can see what you see."

 

Liam flinches, not because of Zayn, but because Niall begins to yell at Zayn, "Look at me! Look at ME!" Liam closes his eyes. Now Niall is sitting on the table besides him and Zayn is still standing a few feet from him.

 

Zayn notices Liam flinching every so often, and when Liam looks up towards the table at nothing, he knows that Liam is hallucinating that Niall is there again. "Liam, I'm the one who'll hold you and who'll stay. I'm not gonna walk away." Liam looks to Zayn as he makes his declaration, but Niall is speaking the very same words into his ear. Liam closes his eyes again, a conflict within his mind slowly growing more and more intense.

 

"I'm the one the one who'll hear what you have to say, "Zayn continues, "You tell me that I don't give a damn, but I know that you know who I am."

 

Niall whispers in Liam's ear and caresses Liam's hand which is resting on the table. "He doesn't give a damn about you Pops. But I do. I always have, and I always will."

 

Zayn kneels besides Liam and holds his other hand. "I need you Li. I really do. I love you."

 

Liam shakes his head and leans away from Zayn. "You don't know..." he mutters. He stands up, and Zayn backs up a bit to give him some space. "You don't know." Liam repeats a little louder.

 

"Liam..." Zayn says slowly. "I'm holding on, because I love you Li."

 

Liam looks at Zayn, "You say that you know, that you hurt like me..."  Liam stands up quickly as Niall pulls him into a hug. Niall whispers into his ear, "I won't ever let go."

 

Liam breaks from Niall's grip and turns to Zayn and yells. "You don't fucking know anything!" He turns back to allow Niall to hug him. Zayn is hurt, the pain running deep. But he says nothing and turns away from Liam.

 

Liam glances at Niall's face, who's looking at Zayn. With a challenging smirk, Niall says: "You just don't know who I am."


	9. superboy and the invisible girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry vents and Louis and Liam listens. So does Niall.

In Harry's room, he's sitting on his bed, while Louis is fiddling around with something at the desk. Harry's still fuming. "When he gets like this, he's useless. He can't use the phone, can't drive..."

 

Louis, who's still concentrating on his task looks quickly at Harry and says, "I bet he's got great pills. I mean..." He goes back to his little project, "not that I would go there. That shit's inorganic."

 

Harry scoffs and stands to start pacing the floor of his bedroom. "And totally ineffective apparently." He continues to pace and Louis stands, back to Harry.

 

"I'm old school. Dying breed. All the preppies and jocks are raiding their parents' medicine cabinets and popping Xanax and snorting Adderall."

 

Harry raises an eyebrow and watches the other boy as he walks backwards towards him. "Really?"

 

"But me," Louis continues, "I'm the master of the lost art of making a pipe-" Louis turns around, "-out of an apple."

 

Harry rolls his eyes and Louis sits down on the bed, Harry following suit. "Yeah, you're the MacGyver of pot." Harry's amusement fades a bit and Louis offers the pipe, now lit. "You promise this'll help?" Harry asks.

 

Louis shakes his head, uncertain. "No..."

 

Harry considers it a moment, before shaking his head. Louis is confused. "What?"

 

"Superboy and the Invisible Girl..."

 

"Huh?" Louis cocks his head in confusion.

 

"It's a comic book I used to have when I was smaller. It was about a superhero, Superboy, and his sidekick, The Invisible Girl. It always reminds me of my brother." Harry stands from the bed and paces the room again. "It's like, he's Superboy, and I'm the invisible one. He's everything a kid should be. A hero, a lover, and a prince."

 

Harry pauses mid-stride and sighs. "You know, I kinda wish I had Invisible Girl's powers. I would be able to fly at least. Disappear and reappear whenever I wanted. I could fly away from this hell I call home..."

 

As Harry continues on, Louis silently listens. Suddenly, a knock is heard from the door. It's Liam.

 

Harry turns to the bedroom door and looks at his dad, almost angrily. "Niall's the one you wish was here. He's more your son than I am!" Harry's voice raises and soon he's shouting, "He's not fucking here! I'm the one that's here!"

 

Liam flinches at his son's shouting, but doesn't speak until Harry stops yelling. "You... you know that's not true. You're my son and you were the perfect planned baby. Harry, I lov..." Liam falters, and corrects himself, "I... I love you as much as I can."

 

Liam abruptly turns away and hurries out of the room, leaving a stunned Louis, and fuming Harry. He's angry, and seething, but remains calm in front of Louis. "Of fucking course..."

 

Harry sits on the desk chair, facing Louis, who is still silently sitting on the bed. Harry continues to vent, as Louis listens.

 

_Take a look at the Invisible Girl..._

_Here she is clear as the day._

_Please look closely and find here before_

_She fades away_

In the corner of the room, unbeknownst to anyone but you, stands Niall, mocking, stalking, and watching Harry. Slowly turning him mad.

 

_Superboy and the Invisible Girl..._

_Son of steel and Daughter of air._

_He's a hero, a lover, a prince-_

_She's not there..._

_She's not there..._

_She's not there..._

_She's not there._


	10. i'm alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam sees a new doctor while no one sees Niall.

Zayn holds Liam to his side as they walk into the clinic. They sit and wait for a nurse to call them in. "Let's not get discouraged. We'll find a doctor who'll treat you without the drugs." Zayn says, holding Liam's hand. "There's someone out there for you. In the depression chat rooms, they say it's like dating, you just have to keep going until you find the right match."

 

Liam looks at Zayn funny. "They have depression chat rooms?"

 

Zayn continues talking. "And this doctor's supposed to be fantastic. A real rock star. Three of my coworkers gave me his name."

 

Liam deadpans, "Three coworkers know I'm nuts?"

 

Zayn stutters a bit, trying to find something to say. "Uhh... I, umm..." He turns, and spots Doctor McCall walking towards them. "Ah!"

 

Doctor McCall smiles pleasantly and holds a hand out to Zayn, who shakes it firmly, and then to Liam. "Liam? This way please."

 

The doctor leads Liam away down a few hallways and into a large office. On the way, Liam slowly studied the new doctor, giving him a quick once over.

 

McCall, or whatever seems a bit young. Like really young...

 

Doctor McCall opens the office door, and motions for Liam to enter. Liam sits on the larger couch, while the doctor closes the door. He then walks towards the rolling chair besides the couch. Just as Doctor McCall walks by Liam, bright lights burst through the office, a loud rock chord plays out, and McCall is now a rock star.

 

"YYYEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

 

Liam jumps in fright and stares wide eyed at Doctor McCall, who is now calmly sitting on the opposing seat. "What did you say?" Liam asks slowly.

 

"I said welcome. It's nice to meet you." He smiles and approaches Liam.

 

Another loud chord is struck and lights blaze into Liam's eyes. Rock Star McCall climbs into Liam's lap and straddles him. "Let's get it on now, baby!"

 

Liam blinks and Doctor McCall is sitting in his chair again, patiently waiting for Liam to respond.

 

"Excuse me... What?" Liam is painfully confused now.

 

The doctor continues smiling and repeats himself. "I said, let's get started. Are you... nervous, Liam?"

 

Liam smiles, and chuckles, a bit breathless. "I am. A little." He laughs a bit. "A bit out of breath. Tingly, actually." He nods and waits. Doctor McCall doesn't respond yet. "Now you go." Liam says expectantly.

 

The doctor chuckles and starts talking, "Well, let's start by getting to know each other a bit. Psychotherapy and medication work best in tandem, but we can try the first alone, and see how far we get. Why don't you tell me---"

 

Suddenly, yet another chord is struck and Rock Star McCall is standing on the chair, holding a mic stand in the air as he sings loudly into a microphone. 

 

"BBBBAAAAAAYYYY......BBBBBEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! WHAT'S YOUR HISTORY?! WHERE'D YOU GO AND WHO'D YOU SEE?!?

 

YYYYEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"

And then Doctor McCall is back.

 

Liam sits, paling slightly. "Um... My history?"

 

The doctor nods, and brings a leg up to cross over the other to get comfortable. Liam flinches a little. Nothing happens, so he chuckles a bit and begins talking.

 

"Well... I was diagnosed bipolar depressive, um, wow... Sixteen years ago? But it turned out bipolar didn't totally cover it."

 

Doctor McCall nods, "Often the best we can do is put names on collections pf symptoms. It's possible bipolar has more in common with schizophrenia than depression."

 

Liam laughs, suddenly remembering his mother. "When I was young, my mother called me 'high-spirited.' She would know. She was so high-spirited, they banned her from the PTA."

 

"Sometimes there's a predisposition to illness, but actual onset is only triggered by some... traumatic event."

 

Liam pauses a bit, and cocks his head thoughtfully, "I never know what to say when I have to go over all this. It starts to sound like some story I tell that's about some other person entirely."

 

The doctor nods, this time jotting something quickly into his notebook. He waits from Liam to continue, but he doesn't. "Why don't you tell me about the last time you felt truly happy." Liam has no answer. "Were you happy when you got married?"

 

Liam has a quick answer, "I thought I was."

 

Doctor McCall is intrigued, "There's a difference between being happy and just thinking you're happy?"

 

Liam nods and explains, "Most people who think they're happy just haven't thought about it enough. Most people who think they're happy are actually just stupid."

 

The doctor laughs a bit. "I see." Then he changes the subject. "Were you happy when your son was born?"

 

Liam freezes and looks to the doctor, "My son?"

 

In the shadows, in the corner of Liam's eyes, Niall appears. He's watching Liam silently.

 

"Tell me about him." Doctor McCall continues.

 

"About my son?"

 

"Why is he still around? Who is he? What is he?"

 

Liam has no answer.

 

_I am what you want me to be,_

_And I'm your worst fear--you'll find it in me._

_Come closer..._

_Come closer..._

 

"Where does he come from, do you think?" Doctor McCall asks.

 

_I am more than memory--_

_I am what might be, I am mystery._

_You know me--_

_So show me._

Niall slowly walks towards Liam and Doctor McCall. He starts to circle them.

 

_When I appear it's_

_Not so clear if_

_I'm a simple spirit or I'm flesh and blood..._

_But I'm alive_

_I'm alive_

_I am so alive,_

_And I feed on the fear that's behind your eyes._

_And I need you_

_To need me_

_It's no surprise--_

_I'm alive..._

_So alive..._

_I'm alive._

 

_===_

 

"Four times a week? That's a lot, isn't it?" Harry says to Zayn. They are both in the kitchen, Zayn having just got back from the doctors with Liam.

 

Zayn nods his head, "It's what the doctor recommended."

 

Harry pauses a moment before replying stubbornly, "This is never going to get better, is it?"

 

Niall enters the room, silent as ever, smirk ever-present.

 

"He's never going away."

 

Zayn shakes his head and sighs, "I don't know, Harry."

 

Harry laughs, though it's full of obvious anger. "This is one of those moments when you could just be a typical parent and lie and say yes." Harry rolls his eyes as he begins going upstairs. Zayn isn't finished yet.

 

"Yes." He says flat, irritation apparent in his tone.

 

Harry doesn't turn, but continues upstairs, shouting, "Thanks! That's comforting!" Niall disappears from the kitchen and reappears upstairs, still watching Harry.

 

_I am flame and I am fire,_

_I am destruction, decay, and desire--_

_I'll hurt you..._

"You know, Harry..." Zayn shouts, following Harry up the stairs.

 

_I'll heal you..._

"It's not all about your comfort."

 

_I'm your wish, your dream come true,_

_And I am your darkest nightmare, too--_

_I've shown you..._

 

"It's about helping your father."

 

_I own you._

At the bathroom door, he spins around rapidly and is in Zayn's face, "As fucking always!" Then he spins around again and slams the door.

 

_I'm alive_

_And I'll tell you the truth if you let me try._

_You're alive_

_I'm alive_

_And I'll show you why_

_I'm alive..._

_So alive..._

_I'm alive._

Niall is in the bathroom with Harry, who's sitting on the floor, rocking himself back and forth, trying to calm himself down. Niall opens the medicine cabinet and Harry's eyes dart to the cabinet. He gets off the floor, and grabs a few bottles. "Risperdal?"

 

_I'm alive..._

Harry pulls more bottles out. "Valium? Xanax?"

 

_I'm alive..._

 

Harry just shrugs and opens a random bottle. "What the hell." He pours a few pills into his hand and downs it. He grabs a few more bottles and heads back to his room.

 

 

===

 

 

_You say forget, but I remind you._

_You can try to hide, you know that I will find you._

_'Cause if you won't grieve me_

_You won't leave me behind..._

Doctor McCall calmly continues talking to Liam, who is not fully concentrating on the conversation. "Let's say he's eighteen now-- isn't that when kids move out? Isn't it time to let him go?"

 

Niall is back and has Liam's loving, unwavering, and undivided attention now. 

 

_No, no, no--_

_I'm alive_

_I am so alive,_

_If you climb on my back, then we both can fly_

_If you try_

_To deny me_

_I'll never die_

_I'm alive..._

_So alive..._

**_I'm alive!_ **


	11. make up your mind / catch me i'm falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam has a different kind of session with Dr. McCall and Harry's recital doesn't go as planned.

 

Liam is sat in Dr. McCall's office for what felt like the thousandth time. He's in his usual chair, quietly doing nothing, waiting for the doctor to begin talking, as usual. "It's been four weeks, and I'd like to try something new today." Dr. McCall stands and pushes his chair away. He begins to slowly pace in front of Liam, who merely nods. "Sometimes, when these stories are hard to tell, hypnosis can be helpful."

 

Liam is silent at first, just staring, a little dumbfounded. Then he snorts in amusement. "Oh, I don't think I can be hypnotized. I mean, it's fine. I'm just not the type."

 

Doctor McCall just continues to talk, ignoring Liam's remarks. "Put your feet on the floor. Your hands in your lap. Breathe." Liam closes his eyes and does as he is told. "Walk with me Liam."

 

"Okay." he cracks an eye open, "Walking..."

 

"Go all the way down. Down the long flight of stairs."

 

Liam smirks, "Stairs." He laughs a bit.

 

"Go step by step into the darkness down there."

 

"Should we turn on a light?" Liam jokes, "You know, with the stairs?"

 

Liam has both eyes open, his face in a stupid grin. He looks at the doctor's disapproving face, and stops smiling. "Sorry." He takes a deep breath and settles comfortably into the chair.

 

"You ready now, Liam?"

 

"Y-Yeah, sorry." He closes his eyes and Doctor McCall continues.

 

"Okay Liam. Walk with me. Down a hall." Liam is relaxed, and his breathing slows. The doctor resumes.

 

"A hall that you know -- at the end, there's a door. It's a door that you've never laid eyes on before." He pauses a moment.

 

"Open the door... Open the door Liam."

 

Liam's breathing has slowed significantly. "Can you hear me Liam?"

 

"Yes." Liam opens his eyes, but he is staring ahead, his eyes unfocused.

 

"Are you nervous?"

 

"No."

 

"Good," The doctor says before continuing. He tries to get Liam's attention by waving his hand in front of him, but his eyes slowly blink at the sudden change in light as the hand passes. Liam remains in his position, in a trance, aware of his surroundings, but relaxed and at ease. Satisfied, Doctor McCall sits in his chair. "Now..."

 

_Make up your mind to explore yourself._

_Make up your mind you have stories to tell._

_We'll search in your past_

_For what sorrows may last,_

_Then make up your mind to be well._

= = =

 

"Liam, you come home from these sessions in tears..." Zayns says worriedly. They're in the kitchen, having just arrived home from another of Liam's sessions with Doctor McCall. "Is this helping, or...?"

 

Liam isn't paying attention to anything Zayn has said. He just sits and stares at the wall.

 

"Li? Liam?" Zayn hopelessly stares at his husband.

 

= = =

 

"We were both undergraduates." Doctor McCall nods his head and listens as Liam explains how he and Zayn both met. "He was a Music Performance major and I was a Music Technology major. We met in college, but at the time, I was with a woman. I... uh. The baby wasn't planned... We could barely take care of the baby. And her just... leaving... Definitely didn't help. But-" Liam pauses to breathe. He smiles a bit, "Zayn."

 

Liam remembers the weeks after Niall's mom left, Zayn spent so much time with them, helping as much as he could, always by Liam's side. He couldn't do enough to repay Zayn for all he'd done for him.

 

"Zayn would stagger his classes with mine so that someone would always be with Niall." Liam chuckled breathlessly, "Wow, he did so much for us." He paused a bit before changing subjects. "I- I figured I'd be to busy for a family. That was until I had Niall. When he was born, we struggled, but it all made sense. I had purpose and a sense of direction. My life made sense." Liam sat up straight a bit and his eyes became a bit glassy. "Until..."

 

He wasn't paying much attention to doctor McCall anymore. "Until..."

 

"Until?" Doctor McCall gently pressed. Liam was not responsive.

 

= = =

 

"Liam?" Zayn calls softly into the kitchen. Liam is sitting in the dark, talking to no one. "Li? Babe? Are you okay?"

 

Liam either doesn't hear Zayn, or is ignoring him. "Niall, what're you doing up?"

 

Zayn feels a cold chill run down his spine as dread fills his stomach. "Liam..." He approaches his husband and places a hand on his shoulder. "He's not here, love. I know you know." He shakes his head softly as Liam continues talking to no one.

 

= = =

 

_Make up your mind that you're strong enough._

_Make up your mind -- let the truth be revealed._

_Admit what you've lost_

_And live with the cost..._

_At times it does hurt to be healed._

_= = =_

Niall approaches Liam from the shadows during a particularly painful session with Doctor McCall. Liam is struggling to recall his memories of a time when he was happy with Zayn and Harry, while Doctor McCall encourages Liam to continue talking.

 

_Catch me I'm falling..._

"In our first session you told me..."

 

_Catch me I'm falling..._

"...that talking through your history..."

 

_Faster than anyone should._

"...it feels like it's about someone else."

 

Liam is having a hard time paying attention to Doctor McCall's words as Niall slinks into Liam's personal space.

 

_Catch me I'm falling..._

_Please hear me calling..._

"Make it about you."

 

_Catch me I'm falling for good._

= = =

 

Harry fidgets nervously backstage. He's behind the curtain, but he often sneaks a peek past the curtain into the audience. Just as Harry is sure he's gonna pull his hair out, Louis slinks into Harry's view.

 

"Hey," Louis begins quietly, "I know I'm not supposed to be backstage, but... here." He hands a small bouquet of flowers he had hidden behind his back to Harry. "For luck." Harry takes the flowers, but he places them down absentmindedly, still glancing towards the curtains. "Did you see my parents out there?"

 

Louis eyes Harry's shaking hands, "Um- are you okay?"

 

"I'm fine." Harry pushes past Louis to sit at a practice piano backstage. "My dad said they'd both be here."

 

Louis nods in agreement, trying to console Harry. "Then I'm sure they will be."

 

Harry sends a glare to the other boy. "Will they?"

 

===

 

Liam sits emotionless and speaks softly to Dr. McCall, "We adopted Harry to... and I know he knows. I couldn't hold him in the hospital? I couldn't let myself hold him."

 

Dr. McCall nods appreciatively, "That's the first time you've mentioned Harry in weeks of therapy."

 

_Make up your mind you want clarity;_

_Take what you know and make it make sense,_

_Just face what you fear,_

_And soon it comes clear_

_The visions are just your defense_

 

===

 

"Goddamnit! He's not there!" Harry shouts in frustration. His name is announced onstage. He nervously walks in front of the audience to perform his piece. He turns towards the audience.

 

"Um... Thank you for coming. Harry Payne-Malik."

 

Harry sits at the piano, opens the lid, stares at the keys before him. 

He begins his piece, playing the first few bars well before slipping and hitting an especially sour note.

 

===

 

"Let's try to understand what all this is doing to you. And your family. Your grief for your son. Your distance from Harry..."

 

===

 

"Fuck..." Harry mutters, gripping his face in his hands. He then looks up at the softly muttering audience. "I'm sorry... I just-- The thing is-- I--"

 

===

 

_Make up your mind you can live at last_

_Make up your mind to be fully alive_

_Embrace what's inside,_

_Replace what has died_

_Then make up your mind_

_You'll survive_

===

 

"You know what the problem with classical is?" Harry stands at the piano stiffly, aggravated, "It's so rigid and structured. You have to play the notes on the page. There's no room for improvisation!"

 

Louis covers his mouth in shock, "Oh no..."

 

Harry slams his fingers to the keys and begins rocking out, totally abandoning the classical bullshit.

 

===

 

_Make up your mind...                                            Take a look..._

_Catch me I'm falling..._

_He's not here...                                                        I'm alive..._

_He's not here..._

_The invisible girl...                                                   Time to go..._

**_Falling..._ **

****

**_===_ **

****

"Unresolved loss can lead to depression." Doctor McCall leans forward, maintaining eye contact with Liam. "Fear of loss... to anxiety. The more you hold on to something you lost... The more you fear losing it." Liam nods absently, faintly aware of the doctor's implications. "Depression, anxiety, depression, anxiety... One gives rise to the other."

 

Liam stares at Dr. McCall as he continues. "Wouldn't you like to be free from all that? Finally? Wouldn't you like to go home, clear out his room... maybe spend some time with Harry? And let Niall go, at last?"

 

===

 

Harry stops banging out the rock and jazz riffs before making to leave the piano. As he stands, he falls to the floor, suddenly exhausted. Louis rushes on stage to help him up. At first, Harry resists, not taking the offered hand, but he relents and takes Louis's hand. "Uh, should we go?" Louis asks slowly...

 

===

 

"Yes."

 

"Pop..." Liam holds a hand up to shush Niall. "Yes I would..."


	12. i dreamed a dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam tries to let go.

Liam sits quietly at home, alone. The living room is cast in a soft glow from the table lamp nearby. Zayn walks in, box in hand, soft and proud smile on his face. "This is good, Li. It's a great step." Zayn uses a small safety razor to cut the tape on the box. He sets the box and razor down, claps a hand on Liam's shoulder and walks back out. "I'll be back hun, gonna go get Harry from his recital." Zayn calls out. The door shuts.

 

Liam takes the box, lifting it onto his lap. He sifts through its contents, pulling out old toys, trinkets, a blanket. Niall's blanket. He unfolds it, holds it. He smells it softly, the light baby scent still lingering. He then folds it and drapes it over the armrest. Something in the box catches his eye. He pulls it out. It's a music box. He considers it a moment. Then he opens it.

 

_I saw you light the ballroom_

_With your sparkling eyes of blue._

_Graceful as an angels' wing,_

_I dreamed a dance with you._

Out of the corner of his vision comes Niall. He's well dressed, a stunning powder blue tuxedo, his hair done up neatly.

 

_You whispered slyly, softly._

_You told me you would be true._

_We spun around a thousand stars--_

_I dreamed a dance with you._

 

Niall offers his hand out to Liam, charm and chivalry shining through with his bright smile. Liam takes it, and they begin to dance, waltzing beautifully and in time to the music box.

 

_I know the night is dying, dear..._

_I know the day will dawn..._

Niall sings softly:

 

_The dancers may dissapear--_

_Still the dance goes on..._

_And on._

Niall kisses Liam's hand softly and slowly creates a distance between them. Liam becomes slightly disenchanted. More in himself then with Niall.

 

_I'll wake alone tomorrow,_

_The dream of our dances through._

_But now until forever, love_

_I'll live to dance with you._

Niall turns to leave. Liam feels tears well as his son leaves.

 

_I'll dream, my love..._

_I'll live, my love..._

Niall nearly fades into the darkness.

 

_And I'll die to dance with--_

Liam sobs, pulling his palms to his face, not realizing that Niall has turned around, hopeful.

 


	13. there's a world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam gives in to Niall.

 

Niall slowly walks up to Liam, intent on gaining Liam's full attention. He motions for Liam, who stands and begins to follow.

 

_There's a world..._

_There's a world I know._

_A place where we can go_

_Where the pain will go away--_

_There's a world where the sun shines each day._

_There's a world..._

_There's a world out there._

_I'll show you just where,_

_And in time I know you'll see_

_There's a world where we can be free--_

_Come with me._

_===_

 

Doctor McCall sits in his office, grave and tired. He talks into his recorder, reading the newest excerpt from Liam's file. "Payne-Malik, Liam."

 

_Come with me._

"Discovered unconscious at home."

_There's a world where we can be free..._

He pauses as he reads the next line, disappointment and sorrow flooding his normally clear head. He continues speaking to his recorder. "Multiple razor wounds to wrists and forearms."

 

He pauses again.

 

"Self-inflicted."

 

_Come with me_

"Saline rinse, sutures and gauze. IV antibiotics. Isolated, sedated and restrained... ECT is indicated." He turns off his recorder. He tosses the file on the table. "Fuck..."

 

===

 

Liam follows Niall, suddenly feeling warmth, concentrating in his arms. Niall continues to lead, and Liam follows eagerly into the dark, fears forgotten, sorrows gone, nothing but him, his son, and a razor blade.

 

=====

 

"Wow... I mean, they still do that?" Zayn asks skeptically.

 

"We do, yes. It's the standard in cases like this. He's got a long history of drug therapy and resistance, he's acutely suicidal-- it's really our best option." Doctor McCall is leaning against his desk, Zayn standing near the door to the office.

 

"That's kind of terrifying." Zayn crosses his arms.

 

"It's not. The electricity is barely enough to light a hundred-watt bulb."

 

Zayn replies, rolling his eyes. "Oh if it's just a hundred-watt bulb."

 

The doctor huffs a small laugh out. "It's safer than crossing the street, and the short term success rate is over eighty percent."

 

Zayn begins pacing. "I thought he was better..."

 

"Sometimes patients recover just enough strength to follow through on suicidal impulses, but not enough to resist them." His face is somber and serious.

 

"Well..." Zayn stops pacing, but obviously distressed. "That's fucked."

 

"Yes." Doctor McCall hands a clipboard to Zayn. "Legally, we need Liam's consent. Hospital policy is we need yours, too."

 

Zayn takes it, but shakes his head. "I don't think he'll go for this."

 

"Mr. Malik, we can administer the ECT and you can bring him home in ten days. Or we can keep him sedated for forty-eight hours, then discharge him and wait for him to try again. Look- go home. Take the night. We'll talk to him in the morning."

 


	14. i've been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn faces the aftermath of the day alone.

 

 

_Standing in this room,_

_Well, I wonder what comes now._

_I know I have to help him--_

_But hell if I know how._

_And all the times that I've been told_

_The way his illness goes--_

_The truth of it is no one really knows._

_And every day this act we act gets more and more absurd..._

_And all my fears just sit inside me, screaming to be heard..._

_I know they won't though -- not a single word._

 

Zayn sits alone in the dimly lit living room, looking at the mess left on the floor. He slowly gets up to retrieve a rag and bucket of soapy water. He begins to clean the carpet, although he knows they're going to stain red...

 

_I was here,_

_At his side,_

_When he called,_

_When he cried..._

_How could he leave me on my own?_

_Will it work?_

_This cure?_

_There's no way_

_To be sure..._

_But I'm weary to the bone._

_And whenever he goes flying_

_I keep my feet right on the ground.--_

_Oh, now I need a lift and there's no one around._

Zayn takes a minute from scrubbing to wring the rag. It runs a bright red, staining the water in the bucket. He doesn't cry, he doesn't shout. He's not angry, but he feels hopeless. Zayn's hands shake as he continues to scrub the carpet.

 

_And I've never had to face the world without him at my side..._

_Now I'm strolling right beside him as the black hole opens wide..._

 

As he finishes, he rinses the rag one final time before standing. In the corner, Niall watches.

 

_Mine is just a slower suicide._

_I've been here,_

_For the show,_

_Every high,_

_Every low..._

_But it's the worst we've ever known._

_He's been hurt,_

_And how._

_But I can't give up now._

 

Zayn dumps out the crimson water into the sink, running the blood stained rag under the faucet. The water in the sink swirls, spinning red against the cold stainless steel.

 

_'Cause I've never been alone..._

_I could never be alone._

_===_

 

Zayn is sitting alone in the kitchen as Harry enters. "Dad, why didn't you take me with you?"

 

"We never see much of you these days. Is this Louis a good influence?" Zayn asks, forcing himself to sound authoritative, when all he really feels is exhaustion. Harry scoffs.

 

"Like... Compared to what?" Zayn stares for a second.

 

"Okay, that's fair. Look, your father is in for a new treatment. ECT."

 

Harry raises an eyebrow questioningly. "Okay? L-M-N-O-P -- What is that? I don't know."

 

Zayn sighs heavily. "Electroconvulsive therapy. Shock therapy." Harry stares a second, disbelief written all over his face.

 

"You're kidding, right? Dad! That's bullshit!"

 

Zayn glares harshly at Harry. "Language!"

 

Harry turns away, heading angrily towards the stairs. "It's bullshit. He trusts you!"

 

Harry runs upstairs, Zayn calling after him. "Harry!"


	15. didn't i see this movie?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam confronts Dr. McCall about the treatment. Zayn intervenes.

 Liam paces the room, muttering slightly, clearly agitated. He didn't want to go through with this ridiculous procedure. Shock therapy?? The damn doctor must've thought Liam an idiot.

 

_Didn't I see this movie,_

_with McMurphy and the nurse?_

_That hospital was heavy_

_But this cuckoo's nest is worse._

 

The doctor tries his best to calm Liam, but to no avail.

 

_And isn't this the one where_

_In the end the good guys fry?_

_Didn't I see this movie_

_And didn't I cry?_

_Didn't I cry?_

Doctor McCall speaks to Liam, but makes no move towards the pacing patient, "The modern procedure's clean and simple. Hundreds of thousands of patients receive it every year."

 

Liam kicks a chair angrily, his temper evidently rising out of control.

 

_What makes you think I'd lose my mind for you?_

_I'm no sociopath._

_I'm no Sylvia Plath._

_I ain't no Frances Farmer kind of find for you..._

_So stay out of my brain--_

_I'm no princess of pain._

_Didn't I see this movie_

_Where the doctor looked like you?_

_Where the patient got impatient_

_And said, "Sorry, Doc, I'm through._

_I know where this is going_

_And I know what you're about--_

_'Cause I have seen this movie_

_And I'm walking out."_

_I walked out._

_I'm walking---_

Zayn quietly enters the office just as Liam tosses a chair across the floor. Liam stands in place, breathing heavily. He looks up to Zayn and his energy drains. He's suddenly tired and sorry. Zayn looks ragged and just as tired.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think in the comments! You can find me on tumblr, myrontheferretoncrack.tumblr.com
> 
> Also, here's a few links to some helpful hotlines that cover other issues such as teen pregnancy, addiction, grief and loss, as well as mental illness:
> 
> http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=urgent_crisis_hotline
> 
> http://www.teenhealthandwellness.com/static/hotlines
> 
> http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
> 
> I hope that anyone reading this, if you ever need someone to talk to please use one of these services. There are always people willing to listen to you. I will definitely love to help, although I can't guarantee I'll always be available to talk. In any case, please, just talk to someone!


End file.
